Jokes

IT professionals are so misunderstood….

Voices changed to protect the not so innocent!

IT Guy Vs Dumb Employees - Watch more free videos

If you remember the ladybird books about professions you’ll love this “updated” version!

The Policeman

Emma’s a Wales fan, I’m an Ireland fan - It makes the Six Nations kind of interesting, but I did find myself shouting at the TV for Wales v England last week (it was certainly a better match than the Ireland v Italy game!). Then Emma found this!

Our Father,who art in Twickenham,
Gatland be Thy name.
Thy kicking come
Tries will be won
By Byrne,Hook and Phillips.
Give us this day our bread of Heaven,
And forgive us our knock-ons,
As we forgive those that knock-on against us.
And lead us not into
Giving away penalties,
But deliver us from Wilkinson,
For thine is the six nations,
The forward power and the glory,
Forever and ever, Amen.

Nick sent me this yesterday and it just amused me!

1. You leave clubs before the end to “beat the rush”. (worst still you don’t go to the clubs)
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they’ll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
10. You start to worry about your parents’ health.
11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
12. You don’t get funny looks when you buy a Disneyvideo or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath,as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.
14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
15. You always have enough milk in.
16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4’s Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.
18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying “They don’t make ‘em like that anymore” and “I remember when there were only 4 TV channels” and “Not in my day….”
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,you tut at rowdy school children.
25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
26. You find yourself saying “is it cold in here or is it just me?”
27. You find yourself saying the same things to your own kids that your parents said to you.
28. You find out bingo is fun.
29. You actually clean the house BEFORE guests arrive.
30. You have guests and not mates round.
31. You have a meal and wine instead of takeaway and a can of lager each.
32. You actually have things to put in a shed.
33. You tut when the neighbours don’t mow their lawn.
34. All the 20 somethings look too young to be in the bar.
35. It starts to become an effort to stay in shape.
36. Cruise holidays seem like a really good idea.
37. Your car is always taxed, insured and mot’ed.
38. Flying anywhere become a major chore that you could just do without.
39. You start to turn your car stereo DOWN in built up areas.
40. You plan your route and stops when embarking on a long drive.
41. You start to appreciate the hell you put your parents though as a teenager.

Photo by Cameron Nordholm

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Peter’s flatmate, Sharon, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum’s thoughts, Peter volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sharon & I are just flatmates”.
About a week later, Sharon came to Peter saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?”

“Well I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure” said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DID” TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DID NOT” TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DO” SLEEP WITH SHARON , AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DO NOT” SLEEP WITH SHARON , BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Apparently this bathroom floor is painted, could you bring yourself to use it?

I have to thank Deveraj for lightening up my afternoon - whilst working!

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

You think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

We all need a good laugh, keep laughing and it will keep you young….