To: All Al Qaeda Fighters 

From: Bin Laden, Osama 

Date: Wed, 29 March 2007 22:26:04 +0000 (GMT) 

Subject: The Cave 

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come

together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad,

we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we 
should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid 
excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need to sweep 
the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota, have you? I've posted

a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area next to the halal toaster. 

Second: it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to 
scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that 
while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or 
keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks. 

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on 
the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices 
were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. 

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance 
ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, 
Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks. 

Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F*CKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet 
wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at

the edge of the mountain. 

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that 
the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of 
the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey


Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying 
to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First 
patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, Dave and Stan. 

Love you lots, 

Group Hug. 


PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundrybag. Cut 
it out, it's not funny any more