Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Cause: Improper bladder control.
Solution: Stand next to nearest dog & complain about house training.
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Cause: Glass empty.
Solution: Get someone to buy you another drink.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Cause: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: Have yourself leashed to bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Cause: You have fallen forwards.
Solution: See above.
Symptom: Beer tasteless.
Cause: Mouth not open or glass aplied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Retire to restroom to practice in mirror.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you’re being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Cause: Bar has closed.
Solution: Confirm home address with bar tender.
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect of textures.
Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Solution: Cover mouth.