Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Cause: Improper bladder control.

Solution: Stand next to nearest dog & complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

Cause: Glass empty.

Solution: Get someone to buy you another drink.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

Cause: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

Cause: You have fallen forwards.

Solution: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless.

Cause: Mouth not open or glass aplied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Retire to restroom to practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.

Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.

Cause: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you’re being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.

Cause: Bar has closed.

Solution: Confirm home address with bar tender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect of textures.

Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Solution: Cover mouth.