A Guide For Non-Sikhs
|If you are invited to a Sikh wedding, donâ€™t panic, here is an insiders guide to what each bit on the invitation card really means.
1.Reception of Barat
To the finely tuned ear it is obvious that juicy insults are attempted to be set to tune but very little rehearsal time may be just one of the causeâ€™s of the non-synchronised efforts.
When the opposition has been lined up in a stand off position, the Ardas (equivalent of the Lordâ€™s Prayer) is mumbled by the Giani (Priest, the learned one or someone on a visitorâ€™s visa and here for the money) and mimed by the shameless. Non-Sikhs are advised to take off their shoes and cover their heads (not with the shoes silly) and observe and copy the rest in silence or else.
2.Milni & Tea
Having had embarrassing photos taken of the fake loving hugs during the exchange of gifts, there is usually a mad rush by the Groomâ€™s tribe to where the food is.The food (at this time of the morning) usually comprises samosa, pakoras, jalebis, ladoos and barfi served with steaming hot tea or Coke (the drinking variety) in cramped conditions and with disingenuous smiles.
After the spiritual rituals of identifying the guilty parties (by making them stand up when all else are asleep in a whacked out and uncomfortable to fart positions) and another (silent) Ardas, the religious wedding bit takes place by the Groom dragging the Bride around the Holy Book four times â€“ the Bride is usually comforted/consoled by â€˜the brothersâ€™ during each of the laps.The couple attempt to time each lap to coincide with the completion of the verse singing by the now drowsy Gianis before sitting down in their original spots.
After the four laps are completed, the couple and the rest have to endure a series of hymn singing, advice from hypocrites and pleas for contributions to the building fund, natural or man-made disasters and directions to the booze palace before being set free by a final verse from the Holy Book and the receiving of Holy Food (Karah Parshad). The couple then just sit there like lemons so the punters can pat them on the head and pose for photos/video shots of them giving dodgy money before pushing and shoving everyone else to find their shoes and illegally parked motors so as to get to where the booze is – fast.
At the hall, more by chance or luck than judgement or planning, nibbles, soft drinks and beer is laid out before guests arrive by which time spirits start materialising in plentiful quantities. The equivalent of tandoori chicken, lamb chops and the like are served to semi-pissed guests who are also semi-deaf by now due to extremely loud music being throbbed continuously since their arrival.
After about two hours, everyone picks themselves off the floor to acknowledge the arrival of the married couple who eventually cut the cake, attempt to dance and then tuck into their packed lunch (just joking). The main course is served soon after to allow the puke ups to have that special colour and stench before the fights break out.
Eventually, people start leaving, often of their own accord or with friends/relatives who can still remember where their cars are parked and sometimes accompanied by police or immigration officers.
Women who defiantly wish to wear short skirts to the Gurdwara should only do so if they got legs worth looking at and donâ€™t care if they look stupid trying to sit cross legged on the floor with their knickers showing.
There is never a wedding list for presents but book tokens are definitely out.
Anonymous Singh July 2000